“We Need To Talk” – The Dead-Wrong Mindset About Dreaded Conversations

An organization needs to have open lines of communication. This includes instructions from superiors, information gathered from research or experts, feedback, discussions in meetings, and strategic planning, to name a few. When communication becomes stymied, through fear, anger, spite, or any other reason, the organization suffers. The conversations that are not being had can control an organization, stopping progress in its tracks.

What Is Holding The Organization Back?

The literature and experts differ on the terms for this communication blockage but there is a common theme: there is a problem that you and others are avoiding because of the fear of emotional reprisal or not knowing exactly how to proceed. Leaders need to face these conversations head on. Waiting just makes the conversation harder to have.

What Characterizes a “Dreaded” Conversation?

• Everyone involved knows a conversation has to happen, or at least feels tension.
• The longer people wait to have the conversation, the harder it gets. The dread grows with time.
• Not having the conversation impacts the organization’s effectiveness.
• Once these conversations have occurred, they are easier than anticipated.
• There is a great sense of relief once the conversation is over. Everyone feels better.

While these conversations may be an abstract concept, everyone has experienced them. It’s the feeling that there is an elephant in the room. For example, I was working with the head of an organization who needed to have a conversation with the chair of the board about an operational problem. Changes could not be implemented because of doubts on either side. They both knew the conversation had to happen (I had spoken to both individually), but they were afraid that their working and personal relationship would be harmed. When they finally did have this critical conversation, they found it was easier than they expected. This is almost always the case.

There is a strong belief (held by me) that organizations are nothing more than a network of conversations. When I coach executives and leaders who need to have a dreaded conversation, it is important to go into the conversation with the right intent. The right intent is the desire to come to a resolution, and be open to the other person. The wrong intent is to assign fault. However, because so much fear and doubt surround these conversations, I often role-play possible scenarios with my clients. Remember though, a dreaded conversation is always easier than it seems initially, and everyone will feel better once it has taken place.